The Green-Eyed Monster

Confession: I get jealous . . . a lot . . . about lots of things.

This could mean any number of things, but I'm pretty sure I know why. In spite of everything my friends and family might say, I experience a fair amount of insecurity. I'm constantly battling those feelings, but the truth is I can get pretty anxious about many things in my life: my love life, my professional life, money, and general approval.

Sadly, my insecurity comes out as jealousy - sometimes agressive jealousy.

I compare myself to other women quite a bit, especially women who are experiencing success where I am experiencing insecurity. It's not that I dislike these women (many of them are my FRIENDS so quite the contrary), it's just that I'm seeing something in them that I want - a better body, a better wardrobe, a boyfriend, more money, a job.

This last one is particularly hard on me. As an actor we are constantly looking for work (even when we're working) and in a town the size of DC, you find yourself competing against your friends for roles. This is hard on me. Even the women who aren't my friends I respect and like. Yet I always wonder why they are working and I'm not . . . and that leads to me comparing myself, feeling insecure, and ultimately getting angry and jealous.

I HATE THAT FEELING.

How do you control it? Therapy would help, sure, but it's out of the question financially. I could go through another round of The Artist's Way which has helped me immensely in the past - sort of like a twelve-step program for creative types. Or I could just change careers.

Yeah, the thought goes through my mind on a regular basis.

But how do you abandon your passion? Or how do you re-invent yourself and keep that passion? I've had opportunities to get out with good jobs and always said "no." Shouldn't that tell me something? Or should I subscribe to the theory that the past doesn't equal the future? The thing is, I just can't imagine walking away. Is that a lack of vision on my part or a sign that I'm on the right path? East Coast Alaskan Girl and City Mouse have both commented on working in the industry . . . clearly its a struggle for each of us in our own ways. SIGH.

And people wonder what I think about when I'm running.

Yeah, running helps.

Coloring your hair helps.

Time with friends (even those working!) helps.

Zoe helps. Of course she does. Unconditional love ALWAYS helps.

I am armed with all kinds of weapons against this green-eyed monster (Is it the same as my Gremlin? They're definitely related if not the same). I just need to remember I can rely on them.