Still Single . . . Sorrowfully

An ex-boyfriend of mine gets married this weekend.

I found out today. I knew he was engaged and had even asked him and some mutual friends if the deed was done yet, but never heard back. So it goes.

I'm surprisingly melancholy about it. He was the first love of my life and, after some time, we made amends and have been friendly for years. So he's been in my life for over 16 years. And now, after years of hearing about the "Sarah Standard" (at least until his first engagement after we dated - yup, I said first) it is hard to deal with somebody else walking down the aisle to a life with him.

Don't get me wrong. We would never have survived as a couple for a long list of reasons. But I was never asked to be his wife and there was a time I wanted nothing more than to say yes.

Perhaps my still being single increases my sorrow. He found somebody in the end. I still have not. And though I remain positive and active in my pursuit, it feels like time is running out. I am, after all, 40 years old. True, I like younger men, but younger men - more and more, anyway - are less likely to like me back.

I suppose I'm bummed, too, because I don't get to go to the wedding. Stupid, huh? I mean, we're friends, but not THAT close and how weird is it to ask an ex to attend your wedding? Still, some of my friends will be there to toast the groom and I am not among them. And I would like to be.

So I sit in my office, oddly on the verge of tears, wondering WHY I'm feeling this way and exactly WHAT I'm feeling.

SIGH.

I think I need a drink.

Health and Wellness

Today, I am off to the doctor for an annual exam. Oh joy, oh rapture.

A new town, a new doctor . . . and more new forms to fill out! The good news is my university's health and wellness center mailed them to me when I made the appointment. The bad news is I waited until today to fill them out.

Now I am good with all of my current health conditions and I'm pretty good about my family history . . . with a few exceptions. So, at my age, I am once again calling my parents to find out about some family history. It's pretty ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is the fact that, after finding out about my family history and hanging up the phone, I realized I needed to get my immunizations information. Jeez! So I call back, but the keeper of the records (MOM) has left the house. So I am off to my first appointment with incomplete forms. SIGH.

Still, most of the stuff is fine and I am in relatively good health. So it should be an uneventful visit.

And yet it seems like every time I visit a doctor, they find SOMETHING just a little bit (or a lot a bit) wrong with me. I'm not a hypochondriac and I am not prone to exaggeration when it comes to my health . . . but seriously, I visit the doctor (or dentist, or eye doctor) and SOMETHING is wrong (anemia, cavity, new glasses prescription). So I'm always just a bit nervous about going.

And to make matters worse, this is the first of TWO visits to doctors I have this coming month.

I know regular exams are important. I DO. But as I get older I worry more. Plus, my current issues with hives and fatigue don't do much to bolster my confidence. Sure, the herbs are making a difference, but my legs are still covered with sores and I'm still ready to collapse by 8pm every night. UGH.

And going to a new doctor is never easy. Sure, I see a new one nearly every year with all the moving around and change in insurance I've had. But that doesn't mean I like it or am used to it.

And let's face the worst of it, shall we? NOBODY likes to be poked and prodded with sharp instruments in sensitive places! Aside from reading all the humorists versions of exams and procedures, there is little pleasant about seeing a health practitioner - healthy or not.

So wish me luck as I venture back into the . . . office. :)

Potpourri

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post. Life is full and I am often too tired at the end of a long day to write. Right now, most of my days are long . . . and the weekends are generally too short and also FULL up.

But I am taking a moment to update . . . if for no other reason than to assure the three of you who read this regularly that I am alive and well. :)

OBEDIENCE SCHOOL
Stella and I began obedience school last Thursday. It is an 8 week course through Petsmart and our teacher is a woman who served as a police officer, K-9 trainer, and assistance dog trainer so she really knows her stuff. So, I am hopeful Miss Stella will learn some manners and I will learn how to be the alpha dog in our relationship. With Zoe it was easy, and Buster seems a willing Omega, but Stella continually challenges my authority so I am also learning behaviors in class! We are making positive strides with her on-leash behavior and I am optimistic for her in-house behavior as well.

SCHOOL DAYS
School is going well but I am putting in very long days. I am up with the dogs at 5 AM and am often on-campus by 7 AM. I am usually there until 5 or 6 PM and last week Blondie invited me to come into a rehearsal of her show and workshop some monologues with the students. I was thrilled, but of course it meant going back to campus and getting home after 11 PM. I really need to get back into that schedule. Come spring, I'll be directing myself and keeping those crazy hours! Speaking of which, I have read multiple translations of Oedipus now. My brain is full to the rim with Oedipus! Of those I've read, I've set aside two I like and think I could work with . . . but I have several more to go before the final decision will be made.

I am enjoying the teaching for the most part. I really like the students and I am so grateful my colleagues treat me kindly and with respect. It is an unusual experience for me after two years in the Wasteland and I'm still pleasantly surprised by it. I am definitely applying for the tenure track position, but of course there are no guarantees so I am applying all over. UGH. What a pain in the ass!

I have to say, my new school offers a lot of little perks which is really nice. I just wish I had more time to do some of them! I am going to enjoy the free Spanish classes. We meet Monday nights for just an hour . . . and it's a no homework, casual setup just for faculty. Pretty cool!

I'm also amazed at how SOCIAL my new "college" is! Our Dean seems to have something social going for the college faculty/staff every weekend. Last weekend it was a new faculty picnic before an outdoor bluegrass concert (two bands, one is the band that played the music for O Brother Where Art Thou?) that was part of a campus-wide Ozark Festival. It was a stunning evening and we enjoyed free ice cream as we listened to the music. I just wish I could have enjoyed more of the festival! This weekend it was another picnic - at a local park - but I passed as I was just too tired.

SOCIAL LIFE
So obviously, my social life is way better than in the Wasteland, but it has been a quiet weekend. I think that's okay. Ike passed through last night and dumped a ton of rain on us so going out wouldn't have been much fun. And I was wiped out by Friday. Today I have more work to do so . . . I'm cool with being on my own. I am looking forward to doing a couple things this coming week . . . nothing planned yet but I'm sure I can convince a friend or two to join me.

I am still doing the eHarmony thing. It's going okay. One guy I kinda liked is now out of the picture, but so it goes. There are far more than I could possibly keep up with anyway. I'm afraid my rule of communicating with anybody who asks has gone to the wayside. I am needing to be pickier if only for my sanity. I'll let you know if I ever MEET any of the guys in person.

Of course, I'm not opposed to meeting somebody the old fashioned way either!

RUNNING
So I managed to get in a 2.5 mile run on Tuesday at the faculty "gym" on campus. I meant to run on Thursday, too, but I also started teaching the movement warm-up to my students last week and by Thursday I was so sore I couldn't bear the thought of running. I think I'll get in two runs next week, plus a nautilus day, so I will feel more like my old self - I hope - in no time. I don't like feeling quite so soft!!!

I guess that's about it for now. I'm just trudging along . . .

I hope to catch up with you sooner next time.

Bumped Stump Jump

A few moments ago, I gave the planned Stump Jump race a definitive bump.

I'm bummed out.

I'm bummed because I really ENJOY running races! I especially enjoy it when family and friends join me (either as runners or spectators), which I can happily say is nearly all the time. This time round my brother and sister-in-law are running it and I so wanted to be there, too.

Sadly, I still haven't managed to find a way to get running back into my schedule.

Between the dogs and my new job schedule, I have little time for much else except an occasional social gathering in the evenings. Sure, I could run then, but I would have NO friends. And frankly, I've never been a fan of evening work-outs. My latest start time would have to be 6PM.

Now, starting next week, I am really hoping to work a work-out schedule into my routine but it won't be near soon enough to be ready for a hilly 11-miler in early October. SIGH. I know I've said this before, but I have found a FREE faculty/staff facility I can use on-campus and there are times I can work THAT into my schedule!

So . . . though I know "no" is a powerful and good word, and in some cases necessary, I'm just not so good at saying it. I have a Wonder Woman complex - I want to do it all.

But, as I am NOT the great WW, I must bump this stump jump. And I am in the dumps.