Still Single . . . Sorrowfully

An ex-boyfriend of mine gets married this weekend.

I found out today. I knew he was engaged and had even asked him and some mutual friends if the deed was done yet, but never heard back. So it goes.

I'm surprisingly melancholy about it. He was the first love of my life and, after some time, we made amends and have been friendly for years. So he's been in my life for over 16 years. And now, after years of hearing about the "Sarah Standard" (at least until his first engagement after we dated - yup, I said first) it is hard to deal with somebody else walking down the aisle to a life with him.

Don't get me wrong. We would never have survived as a couple for a long list of reasons. But I was never asked to be his wife and there was a time I wanted nothing more than to say yes.

Perhaps my still being single increases my sorrow. He found somebody in the end. I still have not. And though I remain positive and active in my pursuit, it feels like time is running out. I am, after all, 40 years old. True, I like younger men, but younger men - more and more, anyway - are less likely to like me back.

I suppose I'm bummed, too, because I don't get to go to the wedding. Stupid, huh? I mean, we're friends, but not THAT close and how weird is it to ask an ex to attend your wedding? Still, some of my friends will be there to toast the groom and I am not among them. And I would like to be.

So I sit in my office, oddly on the verge of tears, wondering WHY I'm feeling this way and exactly WHAT I'm feeling.

SIGH.

I think I need a drink.