Survivor

I feel as if I'm on a "reality" TV show . . . but perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself.

Yesterday, I had lunch with a colleague. A very nice woman, one who has been on the faculty for 13 years and who I never really had a chance to get to know over the past nine months.

We ate at a terrific deli downtown and made pleasant smalltalk as we enjoyed our quiche and salad. I had a feeling the conversation would eventually turn to the difficulties I've been experiencing the past six weeks or so and sure enough, after our dessert, she eased the conversation in that direction. As I am supposed to be ignorant of all that's been going on, I continued to play stupid, listened, and then "defended" myself without any upset. Certainly, I appreciated her candor - even though much of what she said depressed me and made me doubt my teaching ability. She was clearly on my side . . . and even apologized for not speaking to me sooner about what she had been hearing. And as she drove us back to campus, I began mentally comparing my situation with that of Survivor: I was being drawn into an "alliance!"

YUCK. What an incredibly uncomfortable feeling this is! I am beginning to question my staying on another year. I mean, I realize politics are everywhere, but frankly I don't like knowing I could be voted off the island at any moment! There are no physical challenges to win in order to gain immunity . . . but there are plenty of challenges just the same.

And at this point I don't even know who I can trust. I know one person I most certainly CANNOT trust . . . that was made clear to me when this whole mess began. But I am now feeling I am not on terra firma with most of my colleagues - as if at any minute they will change their minds about my teaching and being here and stab me in the back. It's a very unpleasant place to be. And naturally I am having a crisis of confidence. Is academia really the place for me? Or is it just THIS institution isn't the place for me?

I definitely have ONE friend here - the Fight Guy. I am so grateful for his support! Certainly we are a recognizable "alliance." However, this isn't a game show that leads to winning a million dollars - it's my life. It isn't "reality TV", it's my reality. And as hard I tried to stay out of the thick of things here, I now find myself in the CENTER of it.

SIGH. So what do I do? I guess I just keep on keeping on and hope for the best. And even if it ends up being the worst, I can get through another nine more months of it. After all, I have summer vacation ahead of me . . . the physical challenge of the marathon ahead of me (and though it won't gain me immunity, it will help me tap into my power and confidence) . . . and I'm a survivor dammit! I will outwit, outplay, and outlast.

And this time next year, I will leave a winner.