BUSTED

Yup. I was finally busted. By my Aunt L. who is a terrific supporter of my endeavor here. I received an e-mail from her today wondering if all was well as I hadn't posted an entry in several weeks.

The good news is: YES all is well. The bad news is: I've been LAZY. Not running lazy (not per se), but writing lazy. I just haven't had the energy to post anything.

It's been a busy time. Since my last post I finished my fight choreography for West Side Story, had two call-backs (all for nothin'), hosted 14 people for Thanksgiving (and ran the turkey trot, too), wrapped up one of my three jobs for the season, had two acupuncture appointments, applied for a teaching position, celebrated two birthdays, got sick (still fighting the ever-morphing bug) and continued my two jobs and animal care-taking.

Okay - excuses, excuses! Maybe the REAL reason I haven't written is because I'm afraid. There, I said it. I'm a little scared. I had a GREAT 26-mile run and now I feel pressure to have a GREAT marathon - self-imposed pressure of course. What if I let all these great people who helped me get to Honolulu down? What if I let my team down? What if I let MYSELF down? There is the biggest question of all . . . what IF I don't perform well on race day? As much as I say I'm embracing each race for what it is, don't we all enter "events" with certain hopes or expectations? I would be lying if I said I was completely open to any finishing time. If I run my worst time ever, how will I feel? I will be bummed. I will DEAL with it, but I won't be pleased or just happy to have finished. I will tell myself that and eventually I may believe it. The reality is, I want a good run. I want a strong run. I want a happy run.

I'm so afraid of FAILING. Stupid, I know. Finishing isn't failing, but tell that to my raging gremlin. So how to cope?

Well, I continue my acupuncture which really helps. I think of all the other things I'll do once in Hawaii (I even threatened my mother I'd come home with a tattoo - I still may do it!). I laugh and plan with my friends who are joining me. And I write in my blog that I'm afraid. And once again . . . I run. I run from the gremlin, I run from my fear, I run from all the things that trouble and upset me. And I run towards the finish line . . . and another race.