Closed Doors

As I continue to struggle with the question, "What's next?", I returned to the AIDS Marathon Program to investigate their employment opportunities. I had applied to work there in 2000, and was offered my choice of 3 positions, but it required me to give up the theatre and at that time in my life I wasn't ready.

Time passes and people change and I am feeling I might be able to walk away from my life as an actor/director/professor so it doesn't hurt to LOOK.

In my search, I discovered the Washington, DC National Chapter closed it's doors in February of this year.

What?? How could this happen? What will the Whitman-Walker Clinic do without its support??

I am stunned and saddened. I ran two marathons through the program: my first Marine Corps Marathon, and Honolulu. And the DC program, at least when I was running, appeared to be very strong in numbers. And the thought of going back to DC in different job was appealing to me. But you can never go back, huh?

I was reminded of that another way this past week. I heard from my former housemate, the Lawyer, and she has purchased a home of her own and will be vacating the Pink House. I'm so sad! Of course, I am THRILLED for her - buying your own home is huge and exciting - but I am sad for me. I had secretly - or maybe not so secretly - wished I could go back to that house someday.

So the doors are closing in DC. I suppose I should take that as a sign. Many of my friends have left or will be leaving soon, so that dynamic has changed, too.

The good news is the AIDS Marathon Program still has offices in Chicago, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. So maybe I'll have to look into employment there. And naturally I will be looking at other teaching positions while I give another year of academia a try.

Of course, in the meantime, I will continue to audition. And as sad as the closing doors of the AIDS Marathon Program and the Pink House make me, the closed doors of the theatres are what really break my heart.

Pain, Pain, Go Away

So, you haven't heard from me in a week . . . but that's because I've had nothing new to post. I have been "enjoying" the IRS. No, not the dreaded federal agency . . . Ice, Rest, and Stretch. I even skipped Saturday's 10-miler to try to help my healing.

And today, I was feeling much better, and decided to run.

And the pain came right back. Don't get me wrong. I still ran. I ran 5 miles. I can run through the pain . . . the question is, should I?

Believe it or not, it's a valid question. Sometimes you just need to run through the pain to get past it. I'm just not sure this is the kind of thing I should run through.

And my frustration is mounting. I finally got my bike back from the bike shop, so that's good. I have gotten in a couple of really nice rides. And I continue to go to my yoga class. But nothing replaces the running. I am trying to follow the advice of my coach and this Doc in Runner's World. Granted, Doc Maraham says it takes a couple of weeks to improve so maybe one more week of IRS will help. SIGH.

If all else fails, I need to go see a sports doctor and get a true diagnosis. Better safe than sorry, right?

Starved Rock State Park

Yesterday, Zoe and I visited Starved Rock State Park with my friend G. I hadn't seen her in YEARS and it was really great to reconnect and catch up with her. Especially in such a great park!

We met at the park as it's about half-way between Chicago and Bloomington (a little closer for me). We decided to meet in the morning to take advantage of the smaller crowds and cooler weather at that time. It turned out to be a smart move 'cause it was a gorgeous weekend day and by the time we left it was significantly more crowded.

The legend of Starved Rock isn't too pretty: Starved Rock State Park derives its name from a Native American legend of injustice and retribution. In the 1760s, Pontiac, chief of the Ottawa tribe upriver, was slain by an Illiniwek while attending a tribal council in southern Illinois. According to the legend, during one of the battles that subsequently occurred to avenge his killing, a band of Illiniwek, under attack by a band of Potawatomi (allies of the Ottawa), sought refuge atop a 125-foot sandstone butte. The Ottawa and Potawatomi surrounded the bluff and held their ground until the hapless Illiniwek died of starvation- giving rise to the name “Starved Rock.” Seems strange to build a park around THAT, but . . . it's a beautiful place . . .

Anyway, we hiked along the trails at a leisurely pace (I was hurting badly after my 14 mile run Saturday) enjoying the Illinois River views, canyons, and overlooks (okay, so after getting to the top of Starved Rock via a massive staircase, we opted to miss MOST of the overlooks). I was glad we took our time, not only because I was sore but also because G has an amazing eye for detail and would often stop and point out a stunning spider web, or pretty leaf (the picture at top is one she took), or a butterfly wing. If it had just been the me and the dog, I would have missed EVERYTHING she pointed out.

Zoe was also on her BEST behaviour. Even I was impressed - lol. I let her off-leash quite a bit . . . G and I had a signal for noticing groups of people (kind of like a gobble sound - very silly but certainly unmistakable) so I could call Zoe back and leash her. She obeyed every time! I even overheard some folks commenting on what a good dog she was! And because she was so good, she got to swim (she even enjoyed a short game of fetch in the water) and take the lead on the hike.

The hike took nearly four hours and then we rested and ate some snacks. We enjoyed some nuts, power bars, apples, tomatoes, and watermelon. G even spoiled Zoe with some Turkey (lucky dog!). Then we took off to investigate the canoe rentals. Sadly, the guy wasn't keen on letting Zoe in the boat so we weren't able to spend time on the river. But in the end, we were pretty beat and decided heading home wasn't a bad thing. We even opted against visiting the two local wineries for a tasting (okay, G isn't a wine gal so really it was just ME passing it up - and that's saying something).

As soon as we got in the car, Zoe CRASHED. And as soon as we got home, I crashed on the couch (and G confessed she did the same). In fact, it took every ounce of energy I could muster to fix myself some dinner!

So it was a good, relaxing, fun trip and I hope to get back there. I do want to get into a canoe (I think Zoe would be a good boat dog) and I would like to hit those wineries. So a return trip is on my list.

It won't be this week, however! I am realizing I need to REST my leg so it heals completely. I took an easy walk with Zoe this morning and am looking forward to getting my bike back from the shop so I can BIKE my workouts. It's not the same, of course, but it will keep me fit and strong until I am pain free and can run the miles risk-free. Coach P did say if I'm going to be injured, this is the time as we are "backing off" our miles the next two weekends until we jump to 16. I missed my maintenance run this morning, but am working hard at keeping my eyes on the prize - October 7th.

Decade of Dog Day

Today, I celebrate a decade with Zoe.

Yup, my baby turns 10 years old today . . . I can hardly believe it.

It is another glorious morning here (honest!) and Zoe and I left extra early for our walk. We returned to Tipton Park so Zoe could be off leash and she really took advantage of it today.

What normally takes about an hour to walk (twice around each of the three "water" areas), took over two hours this morning! She was really in her element today and spent most of the time either in the water or in the marsh grass and plants trying to flush out bunnies and whatever that dam-building mammal is that lives there. I suppose it could be beavers. I don't know what else build dams in wetlands and I saw the head of one swimming that looked very beaver-ish.

Anyway, she was beside herself with joy this morning. Lots to smell and chase and I think she found a hole that some critter uses 'cause she was digging like crazy at it. I made her stop - I don't want to upset the environment there too much and if you give Zoe an inch she takes a mile.

The air was cool and the sun was warm as we made our way around the park. I finally pulled her away from the mud, gave her a drink, and got her back into the car. Soon she will get a bath. I know, I'm a mean mommy to bathe her today, but she needs it and besides, I found a flea on Henry this morning so all animals get their flea and tick treatment today.

I'll make up for the bath though. Emack and Bolio's, a Boston based ice-cream store that miraculously has a location in Normal, makes a doggy sundae (it's HUGE and has about 10 dog biscuits in it) so she and I are going for ice-cream later today! Yippee!!

Right now my old gal is sitting out back on the patio, enjoying the shade and the cool morning air . . . and I think about how FAST the 10 years have gone. I can hardly remember living without her. She is truly a most loyal companion and I am so fortunate to have her in my life. I have talked about her a great deal in this blog, perhaps that is because she is so wildly important to me and such a big part of my life.

Though you've probably heard these highlights before, here are some of my life with her these past 10 years:

-being there for her very first day alive and watching her grow up. Most folks get their pups when they're about 6 - 8 weeks old. I got her when she was just a few HOURS old. What a gift!
-going to Shawnee Mission Park with her, her brother Rupert, and friends passing through en route to Chicago when the pups were maybe a month old. Zoe and Rupert chased butterflies in the late afternoon sunshine.
-traveling to Chicago when she was about 2 months old. She fell asleep on the foot of my friend in the kitchen and also slept in the same room with the cat - we have the pictures to prove it.
-the summers spent in Keene, NH with my friend the Modern Dancer and his dog, Monty. We hiked this great path nearly every day - sometimes twice a day!
-going to the park near our place in Boston in the middle of winter. The dog owners would congregate while one of them used a laser pointer to exercise ALL of the dogs. Imagine a pack of dogs chasing a tiny red light on the snow. Hilarious!
-Zoe getting me out of bed early one cold, rainy morning in Maine to take our usual hike. I saw a juvenile bull moose that morning!
-all the walks, hikes and runs in DC: in Rock Creek Park, the C & O Canal, the Mall, Lincoln Park, Marion Park, and Congressional Cemetery. She introduced me to a lot of people there: my Pink House Housemate, the Tall Drink of Water I dated for a bit, and so many other friends.
-her visit to Lexington, VA and the fun we had there: her swimming out to check on rope swing jumpers, her first experience being a Truck Dog, and our hikes in the mountains with my fellow cast members.
-trips to all the different beaches we've visited: Hampton, Cape Cod, Old Orchard, Ocean City, Broadkill Beach, and Dewey Beach. One of my favorite trips was Broadkill when the Green Man played fetch with her in the waves.
-all of our road trips: Arizona (where she hiked Sabino Canyon with PhD and destroyed the golf balls in Pastor Dave's backyard putting green), Georgia (where she to swam every day in the lake behind my brother's house and hiked the nearby trails), Denver (where she played in the snow), and countless day trips.
-all of the family hikes in Western Massachusetts. She loves to run ahead and the come back to check on her pack.
-all of the times she has bossed me with her leash.
-all of the times she has "cuddled" with me at night.

In spite of my complaining about her ear infections, dermatitis, her rolling in stinky things, and all the money I've spent (and to be fair, others have spent) to keep her healthy and happy, I wouldn't have it any other way. She is my daily joy.

She is a good dog.

And we've had one hell of a decade.

Mixed Bag

I have a bunch of things to post so I just figured I'd put them all together in a mixed bag today. Please bear with my babble - which no doubt will often be incoherent and endless (what else is new?).

So my trip to New Hampshire and Maine was just great. I had hoped I would mobile blog more, but I was too busy enjoying myself to really care about posting. I DID manage to run four mornings with the Boys (my nephew, my brother, and my brother-in-law). By the final run, however, my left shin was really troubling me. SIGH.

The family vacation is a real gift, I think. It gives the family together time that is relatively stress-free when you compare it to the holidays. I get to see my nieces and nephews who live too far away and catch up with my siblings and their spouses. Of course, time is spent with my parents, too - the difference being I do see them a LITTLE more often.

There is something about New England that just can't be explained or described. It's a place that needs to be experienced to be appreciated. The weather was cool, even by New England standards, for early July and even I was okay with that. We managed to get to the beach every day but one - and it's a beach you can enjoy wrapped up in your sweatshirt and towel as much as in your bikini or board shorts. I will admit I cannot abide SWIMMING up there! The water is far too cold (yes, I am a wimp, but as most of you know I like it HOT). It has been several years since I've joined my nieces and nephews in body surfing - and the last time I borrowed a wet suit to do it!

Anyway, here are some highlights of the trip:

-my brother's margaritas every night
-coffee on the deck every morning
-my one and only walk along the beach in the FOG (think Stephen King FOG and you've got it right) with my brother and mother
-my mother's cooking and cookies and muffins and BLUEBERRY BUCKLE - yummy!
-my trip to Maine to see friends
-all the amazing food I ate in Maine, including fresh boiled Maine lobster in their backyard
-our walk along the Audubon Trail and seeing a FAWN up close and personal (I could have done without the fire ants so up close and personal though)
-catching up with my cousin the Musician and my Aunt
-bringing a book and not even starting it until the last day
-Sushi with my nephew (and eating it on the main drag in Hampton)
-the un-birthday family gift exchange and "party" on the 4th (it's my sister's birthday and she requested we do this)
-riding bikes up to the Casino on July 4th, in light rain, with my nephew to discover there had been an ACTUAL fire and the fire-works were cancelled
-the rain storms at night
-sharing a room with my nieces and actually enjoying the clothes explosion . . . they are definitely growing up!
-waking up at 5AM the final morning to watch a PERFECT sunrise on the beach with my nephew

Saying good-bye was much more difficult for me this year. Perhaps it is because I'm not so happy here in Central Illinois, but I hated leaving.

And now things are Back to Normal. Ha ha ha.

Not exactly. I had made arrangements for a dinner date when I landed in Midway and was really looking forward to it. My family joked with me (of course) about him and based on that silliness let's call him the General. Anyway, the General picked me up at the airport and off we zoomed in his fast ride to Naperville (where he lives). We walked around a bit, enjoyed a wine tasting, and then went to a yummy tapas restaurant and ate dinner outside. By the time he dropped me off at my car we had been together for six hours. He even kissed me good-night. I thought the evening went well, but of course on the 2 hour drive home kicked myself for all sorts of "little mistakes" I thought I had made.

The next morning I sent an e-mail thanking him for the lovely time and the next day he replied that he also had fun. So, with hope in my heart, the following day I suggested date #2.

Yesterday the General dumped me before I even got a second chance.

So . . . I'm bummed, I admit it. I was REALLY bummed last night. I'm sure I've said this before in this very blog - I may not NEED a man in my life, but that doesn't mean I don't WANT one. And my "relationships" get shorter and shorter. And the lenght of the relationships seem to be directly dis-proportionate to how much I like the guy. Since moving a year ago, I can hardly get to the race, let alone out of the gate! And as much as my friends and I say they're just dumb ole boys, the fact remains that when you look at my dating past, the only common denominator is ME. So what am I doing wrong? I'm not a game player - I try to be authentic when meeting new people - so what is it about me that isn't working? And it can't be that I don't choose the right guys 'cause my dating past is pretty diverse! I am moving rapidly to my 40th birthday and I am tired of being alone. And lonely. I feel like I'm sixteen all over again right now - insecure and vulnerable and completely at a loss. I LOVE my friends and family, but I think we can all admit it's not the same.

So here I sit and write and lick my wounds. Again.

And I think to myself there is so little for me here. In a recent correspondence with my Aunt, I confessed I was counting the months to my departure from here. I am not, by nature, a pessimist! But if just ONE thing would flip here: my toxic work environment, my lack of friends, my non-existent love life, I probably wouldn't be in such a hurry to leave.

And yesterday I became an official resident of the state of Illinois. Oh the irony!

Yes, I changed my license, my registration and title, and registered to vote. I even transferred my insurance. And I've applied for a new passport with Bloomington as my home address. I am no longer a long-term visitor. SIGH.

The good news is I do have some things to look forward to before the dreaded return to school. Two of the Hula Ladies are coming to visit me! Yes, in just over two short weeks, they'll be flying in for a whirlwind trip and I can't wait. I am tempted to keep them here by force, but why should I make THEIR lives miserable too?

Yes, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now . . . deal with it.

I am also looking forward to my parents visiting over Labor Day . . . and of course my trip to Jamaica in November. And the family is discussing going to Spain for Christmas (my speed demon, sushi eating nephew will be studying there).

And I do try to enjoy the little things. This morning Zoe had me laughing out loud on our walk around Tipton Lake. I let her off leash there as it's usually very quiet when we go and there is some kind of damn-building critter there, smaller than a beaver, that Zoe loves to chase. Normally, she doesn't pursue at length, but this morning she was on fire and leaping like a gazelle across the tall grasses in hot pursuit. It is a riot to watch. And my amusement only increased when a little boy in a stroller passing by called her a rabbit! That's one BIG rabbit, but I tell you that little boy recognized hopping when he saw it! So funny!

And of course the kitties are precious.

And I have my yoga class.

OH! And a dear friend, Sensei Burai sent me a pair of his old running shorts for inspiration. I remember these shorts from Kentucky, Alabama, and Colorado. They have a rising sun illustration on the front and they are hard to miss! I laughed and laughed to see them. His wonderful wife was sure to thank me for now owning them!!! It was a great pick-me-up.

So I'm working on my attitude.

I just wish I could RUN. These stupid shin splints are keeping me from purging all my nasty toxins. I know the resting I'm doing now (not running 10 on Sunday and not going to speed training tonight, icing, and stretching) is good for the long run . . . but I am so frustrated!

SIGH.

Even though I'm side-lined right now, my friends and family are still there supporting me. I got a couple of donations yesterday . . . my Uncle B (also a runner) and from my former Team Tegla Leader. And so my frustration goes out the door when I think of all the good that money will do for people frustrated by much larger issues than shin splints: life and death issues. What the hell am I complaining about?

Life is just a mixed bag, isn't it?

Oh Henry!

I have returned from my vacation (more on that later) and this morning, Henry was so overjoyed by my return he brought me a gift.

He brought me a bird.

A dead bird.

A dead morning (or is it mourning?) dove.

He was SO PROUD.

I was SO MORTIFIED.

Welcome home, Mommy!

Fire & Ice

So far this vacation has been a combination of hot and cold - fire and ice. Fire - the sunburn I got on the first day at the beach. Ice - the margarita I enjoyed that night. Fire - my eyes burning from the sunscreen I used the next day. Ice - the drop in temperature at night. Fire - the hot coffee I enjoy on the deck each morning. Ice - the gelato I ate with friends in Portland. Fire - the ants that stung my feet and butt at the Audobon trail with same friends (ouch). Ice - the actual ice I put on the ant bites. Fire - the real, multiple alarm fire on the boardwalk that canceled our 4th fireworks. Ice - the yummy homemade, hand churned ice cream we had for the 4th picnic. Fire - how warm I get running with 'the boys' every morning but two. Ice - what I have to do to my shins after those runs. Nearly five days down, two to go . . . more fire and to come!