Desert Distance

I went to Tucson a couple of weekends ago.

The trip was originally supposed to be a 10 year reunion with my MFA class (and adjacents), but in the end was a "girls" weekend with one of my classmates, her partner, and our good "adjacent" friend who was more or less celebrating 10 years of having earned her MA in the program.

We had a blast. We of course ate too much, drank too much (though not as much as we might have done) and enjoyed time in the sun.

Day one my PhD-to-be friend (yes, the adjacent who is back in Tucson teaching at our Alma Mater) picked me up at the airport and we took off for 4th Avenue, a fabulously funky section of town with little shops and fun places to eat and drink to meet up with the others. After hitting most of the stores and making a purchase or two, we hit The Shanty for some early margaritas in their garden seating. What a perfect way to start the trip!

The next morning I got up and ran a quick 4 miler or so as I needed to get in a maintenance run as well as some distance during the trip. It felt good to run along the Rillito River Walk again. The temperature wasn't too hot that early in the day and it was fun to see the Geckos and other odd wildlife along the path. I found a grove of mesquite trees (with maybe a Palo Verde or two mixed in) and ran just off the paved path for the cool shade. It was lovely. Of course, don't be fooled by the name "river walk." There wasn't a trickle of water in that wash . . . just sand and crazy desert plant life.

After my run, we met up with a former Professor for breakfast and enjoyed catching up with her. Then we walked along the main campus green, ran into other former friends and colleagues, and then we headed to Saguaro National Park. It was a warm afternoon and we decided to take the tram as far as it would go (flooding has impacted the park), walked up almost to the top, and then walked back. The walk back was especially stunning as the air was cooling down and we had more shade. We stopped along the way to enjoy the boulders and water and take a few photos. We heard some coyotes, but the mountain lions remained quiet and hidden from view (which is probably a good thing). By the time we got to our car, it was time to head back "home" to get ready for dinner.

We were off to La Fuente! This was a favorite place for us to go with family or friends visiting ('cause you can't afford it on a grad student budget) as the food is top-notch and we love the live music. We were missing our friend Rodda, though. She had planned on being there, but due to family obligations couldn't make it. Whenever I think of La Fuente, I think of Rodda. She is fluent in Spanish (first generation Cuban, she is!) and whenever the mariachi band would come by the table, she would sing with them. Since she couldn't be there in person, we called her as the musicians strolled by. We enjoyed more margaritas and some of the best table-side guacamole you'll ever have. After dinner we went down memory lane via a bar crawl and enjoyed two out of three of our old haunts.

We began the next day with brunch at the well-appointed home of PhD-to-be's mother and step-father. After yet another amazing meal, we adjourned to their backyard and pool. We all needed the R&R poolside and found it difficult to pull ourselves away from the place. But other adventures called. We returned to 4th Avenue as one of us was eager to get her nosed pierced and 4th Avenue would be the place to do it. Naturally, others jumped on the band wagon and when all was said and done, three of us had piercings we didn't have before we arrived. Sadly, we had to split up at that point . . . two were off to see family in Phoenix so the PhD-to-be and I hit the Frog and Firkin for a pint on their patio before cleaning up for another dinner out.

It was time to catch up with the Amazing J and her husband Pastor D. For all intents and purposes, J was in charge of us grad students and without her none of us would have gotten out alive. Seriously. Pastor D wasn't a Pastor when I knew him all those years ago, but he's cooler than ever and we enjoyed a quick ride on his new motorcycle before heading to dinner. I am so glad we caught up! I became friends with them later in my short program and wish now I had more time to get to know them.

We ate a huge meal, drank some fine drinks, and returned to their home to chat some more . . . and before long we were all feeling every bit of those ten years older and ready for some sleep!

It's a good thing, too, as I had my 7 miles to run the following morning before I caught my plane home.

Yeah, seven on my own. It was back to the river walk, the dry wash, and the palo verde trees. As I got started, I thought of the miles ahead of me and realized I'd never get there thinking about THAT. So instead, I began to think of distance behind me: ten years. Whew. I'll tell you, it flew by.

I thought of who I was when I left my MFA program and what dreams I had . . . and thought of how far I've traveled from both. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe I've given up on my dreams, but certainly they've evolved like I have. And I never thought I'd be HERE . . . in the town that holds the distinction of being the capital of Beernuts . . . but I didn't really know where I would be. I had ideas related to my dreams, but admit I have remained pretty flexible and have allowed life to move me more than I've tried to control it. I spent the miles considering the roads I didn't follow and those I did.

And looking back, I wouldn't change one mile of the past ten years. Sure, some were harder than others, but in those harder miles I see my friends' cheering me on and easing my pain. I see me overcoming the struggle and not surrendering to it. And it those miles I brag about.

Same goes for the marathon.

Funny that.

I just hope my next distance in the desert doesn't take another 10 years to run.

Indian Runs and Intervals

Well, I just got back from my first "speed work" workout with TNT. I loved it! Yeah, I'm kooky that way.

It was raining and I even debated not going . . . but not for long. It was a cool rain and certainly more pleasant than most of these workouts will be temperature-wise. I wasn't terribly surprised to see only two others there besides me and Coach P (yup, different coach).

So after waiting and stretching, we figured we would be a small band of runners and off we went for a short warm-up. Then the Indian Runs began.

For those of you not in the know, Indian Runs mean you run in a straight line and the person in the back sprints to the front of the line, then falls back into the group pace. And so it goes for as long as coach says so. It was an odd group of running levels - even with only four - so we did that for about a half mile and kind of lost one of the group. She's a first time runner, so I was impressed she lasted as long as she did!

Then Coach P had us pick up the pace to the water stop. I ran much of the way with J, who had Leukemia as a child and lost his mother to Lymphoma. He's running the half-marathon and it was fun to have him on my heels . . . gave me the incentive to push a little.

After our water break, the rain really started to come down and it was time for Interval running. We'd run regular pace for 30 seconds, then pick it up for 30, back to regular pace for 30, then even faster for 30 . . . basically getting faster half of the minute until we were sprinting. We did that the whole way back and it actually felt really good!

I think officially finishing my teaching this morning helped. I got my grades in at 7AM and in two days will be in Tucson drinking and dining with old friends. I can't wait!

In the meantime, there is a list of things to be accomplished so I best get to it. I suppose a little speed work around the house is in order now.

Survivor

I feel as if I'm on a "reality" TV show . . . but perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself.

Yesterday, I had lunch with a colleague. A very nice woman, one who has been on the faculty for 13 years and who I never really had a chance to get to know over the past nine months.

We ate at a terrific deli downtown and made pleasant smalltalk as we enjoyed our quiche and salad. I had a feeling the conversation would eventually turn to the difficulties I've been experiencing the past six weeks or so and sure enough, after our dessert, she eased the conversation in that direction. As I am supposed to be ignorant of all that's been going on, I continued to play stupid, listened, and then "defended" myself without any upset. Certainly, I appreciated her candor - even though much of what she said depressed me and made me doubt my teaching ability. She was clearly on my side . . . and even apologized for not speaking to me sooner about what she had been hearing. And as she drove us back to campus, I began mentally comparing my situation with that of Survivor: I was being drawn into an "alliance!"

YUCK. What an incredibly uncomfortable feeling this is! I am beginning to question my staying on another year. I mean, I realize politics are everywhere, but frankly I don't like knowing I could be voted off the island at any moment! There are no physical challenges to win in order to gain immunity . . . but there are plenty of challenges just the same.

And at this point I don't even know who I can trust. I know one person I most certainly CANNOT trust . . . that was made clear to me when this whole mess began. But I am now feeling I am not on terra firma with most of my colleagues - as if at any minute they will change their minds about my teaching and being here and stab me in the back. It's a very unpleasant place to be. And naturally I am having a crisis of confidence. Is academia really the place for me? Or is it just THIS institution isn't the place for me?

I definitely have ONE friend here - the Fight Guy. I am so grateful for his support! Certainly we are a recognizable "alliance." However, this isn't a game show that leads to winning a million dollars - it's my life. It isn't "reality TV", it's my reality. And as hard I tried to stay out of the thick of things here, I now find myself in the CENTER of it.

SIGH. So what do I do? I guess I just keep on keeping on and hope for the best. And even if it ends up being the worst, I can get through another nine more months of it. After all, I have summer vacation ahead of me . . . the physical challenge of the marathon ahead of me (and though it won't gain me immunity, it will help me tap into my power and confidence) . . . and I'm a survivor dammit! I will outwit, outplay, and outlast.

And this time next year, I will leave a winner.

Overwhelmed

I am feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by lots of things.

Overwhelmed can be good or bad . . . and I am happy to say I am mostly overwhelmed by good things right now.

First, I am overwhelmed (thrilled, flabbergasted, amazed) by the response of my first fundraising letter. With the incredible generosity of my family and friends, I earned over $700 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in ONE day! ONE DAY!!! That's AWESOME! I am deeply touched and grateful for your incredible support. Of course, I'm only a third of the way there . . . so please keep those donations coming.

Also, I am overwhelmed (relieved, unburdened) that a very big question about my future here has finally been answered to the degree that I can make future plans . . . which basically means I am here for another year.

Of course, with the good comes the bad and I am also overwhelmed (buried) by all the final work that needs to be completed in this last week! It was so bad I actually MISSED a final yesterday. Yup - I was AWOL, MIA, a no-show. I entered the time of the final incorrectly in my calendar and left my students abandoned and wondering where I was. UGH. I am embarrassed and horrified by my mistake and am now having to schedule all of their final scenes individually in the few open slots I have during the week. What a mess.

Fortunately, I got out for a maintenance run this morning with Zoe. All those fabulous donations inspire me and make it really easy to get up and out early. It was a beautiful morning - warm, but I like it that way (Zoe is less enthusiastic) - and we ran a regular route that takes us along a golf course so Zoe can go swimming in the water traps. She can also stay off leash a great deal along that route as it is a quiet neighborhood with a couple of cul-de-sacs that we run. So it's nice for both of us. And I really needed the run after my insane stupidity yesterday.

I find I'm sharper when I'm training (yesterday being an anomaly). In spite of all the work ahead, I'm actually not FRANTIC about it and I'm just ticking things off my to-do list and getting it done.

So . . . a week from today marks the end of my school year here and though I am counting the days to "summer vacation," I am overwhelmed by the knowledge that I DID it.

I now have a summer to prep (hahaha - okay, maybe a little) for next semester and to relax and enjoy some time and travel. Hopefully the good feeling of being overwhelmed will continue through the summer and into the fall.

Better overwhelmed than underwhelmed!

Against the Wind

This morning I was running against the wind. Seems like a metaphor for my life the past six weeks or so.

Yeah, I ran on a Sunday instead of Saturday as I had to be in Urbana yesterday for a special "make-up" class for Alexander. And since TNT Coach T was going to be there both mornings, I decided today would be the better day.

So I showed up . . . and nobody else . . . except Coach T. It was very strange! It was a beautiful morning (aside from the wind); I suppose the small number of runners total makes a difference and many ran the Indy Half yesterday so I can understand. It was still strange.

Coach T is a great guy and a life-long runner. You can tell, too. He's very fit - looks like a runner - long and lean and not an ounce of fat on him.

So we gave folks a few extra minutes and decided to take off for our five-miler. It's pretty intimidating to run with the Coach! However, off we went and chatted as we put the miles behind us. Going out wasn't too bad - it was coming back. Coach set a brisker pace than I usually run at the top, but not impossible for me. I felt pretty good at the half-way mark where we drank a little water and then turned around. That's when we hit the wind. UGH.

Coach didn't let up the pace and I wasn't about ready to cave at only five miles despite the strong headwind. Yeah, my ego took over and I made myself hang in there with him. Though I could feel it at the end, I was really glad I did 'cause Coach complimented me (yeah, I'm a glutton for praise and punishment) on my steady pace and admitted he figured he'd lose me after the turn-around. Strange way to "motivate" but I'll take it!

Wish I had a Coach T for my life. As I said, it feels as if I've been in a headwind for a while now. Though I have friends who are supporting me (and for whom I am deeply grateful), I feel very alone here . . . especially in regards to all the craziness at work. I would love a Coach there by my side, helping me along, telling me how to handle the pain and the confusion. There have been times these past few weeks I've wanted to run back . . . with the wind at my back to what I know and love. Yet I feel there has got to be SOMETHING worthwhile at the end of this run!

I don't know how much longer I can push against all the crap. I know I'm strong enough to push for a long time, but when is it no longer worth it? I mean, I heard from friends in DC who are - SADLY - leaving DC but vacating a fabulous, affordable apartment in a great location. NOW would be the time to jump on it . . . but until I reach the finish line here, I don't feel I can. I just keep running against that wind, wondering what the hell I'm going to find at the end.

SIGH. So I'll hang in there. Surely it's easier to fight what I'm fighting than what those for whom I'm running fight against every day.

Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. I saw the University's production of Our Town last night and thinking back on it I remember Emily's famous quote: "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?—every, every minute?" I should be embracing the everyday . . . even the hard parts . . . and take nothing for granted. After all, I am among those who can run against the wind - literally and figuratively.